Where the crazy things are

Barbara Schwarz is awesome. More awesome than GoodSpaceGuy. But according to Christopher Hitchens; Mother Teresa is a heinous bitch. Probably not as much as H. H. Holmes though. Oddly enough he is of no relation to John Holmes, that's just a myth. I once met Clifford Robinson at the GameWorks in Seattle, he was a real dick. Just joking, he was cool. Where was I going with this post? I don't remember. But I bet it was annoying to click all those links.

Venturing into the brave new world.

Consider this the next evolutionary step in blogging. I am right now sending this from my mobile phone.
I mean holy shit, really? Mobile phone? Man who would have thought.  ...  Not me, that's for sure.  ... so yeah, turns out I don't have enough to talk about to have this level of Blogger access. I am sorry for wasting all of your time.

And remember UncleMacabee brand blog posts make great gifts.

I ate one of those XXL Chalupa things the other day. It actually wasn't as difficult as the commercials make it out to be. In fact, I required no assistance and was slightly hungry afterward. Although, I will say that it was entirely too much Chalupa. Halfway through I did consider that, for health reasons, the XXL nacho cheese and sour cream filled fried taco shell shouldn't be consumed completely in one sitting. But then I figured that I already went this far, so I might was well finish off the damn thing. I mean I did pay $4.00 and some change for it so I don't want to waste it. Hey look just get off my back about it, alright. It's not like I eat at Taco Bell often, or weekly... or daily..even. If I did though I would defiantly eat one of those Chalupa things again.

I am beginning to think that getting a life is not the same as taking a life. This is a funny phrase, I think we can all agree on that. But why is it funny? Well let's take this phrase apart and see just what makes it so funny. Firstly of course, its funny because it insinuates that the teller has been murdering people in an attempt to "get a life". Nextly it starts with "beginning" which to me makes it sound like this person is just now coming to the realization that killing people is not the answer. How many killed? Its hard to say, but its defiantly more then one. And finally its funny because people got hurt and it wasn't you. That's what all comedy is. Don't believe me, look it up.

I would say more, and maybe I should since I have been on such a long hiatus. But you don't own me and I want to say this right here, right now. The internet is the most impressive and advanced human communication tool and will prove to be a major turning point in the evolution in mankind by giving us unfettered access to any information anywhere, anytime. So until it is fully ultilized porn will continue to reign as content king and I will continue to increase the number of wasted sectors of memory on the blogger servers. Those very same memory sectors could be used to save a few pixels of the Robinson family's dog. Go ahead press the "next blog" link at the top of the page. I bet you its some shitty family blog. But I digress. I decide how much or how little I put out, so stop bugging me all the time. I mean look at all my comments and messages from fans, its overwhelming. Annnnnnnnd done. Ok, great. Thanks everyone that's a wrap. I think it went well tonight. Yeah, yea we'll see how it comes out... my mic? Oh yeah here, thanks.

When I die, take me to McDonaldland® - part 1

If you were alive during the 70s, 80s, early 90s or perhaps all three, it is likely that McDonaldland or one of its citizens has profoundly touched your heart. Maybe it's because McDonaldland is a fantastic place where hamburgers grow from vines, shakes ooze from the smiling mountains, and around every corner, a food bandit is lurking. Or maybe you love the fact that McDonaldland is the home to all the wonderful McDonalds advertisement personalities, including the hamburger slinging clown himself, Ronald McDonald. Whatever your personal reason(s) for loving McDonaldland, it makes no difference. The fact is, McDonaldland is the Nirvana for children ages 4 - 14 (and anyone who's maturity level hasn't moved beyond that demographic).

Yet we know so little of the back story of McDonaldland. The rich, and sometimes sultry, history of McDonaldland is the history of all of us. Its what we watched, ate, and in some rare cases, masturbated to, during the wonder years of our lives. To learn this history we need only to look to the citizens of McDonaldland. As we examine them, we see just how Ronald McDonald and his friends created and shaped the most captivating place outside our own plane of existence. In this special three part series, we look into the lives of Ronald McDonald and friends, to get a glimpse of a typical day in this "utopian" cartoon landscape. Although it is ethereal and only the lucky few are allowed to visit, we all long to live in a place that is just like... McDonaldland.

Part 1: The McGenesis

Legend has it, McDonaldland started when Ray Kroc suddenly awoke in a cold sweat. He just had a terrifying dream about an experiment/torture room, that he used to discover new, cheap, ways of producing his wildly popular food items. After being haunted by the dream for a few days, Ray decided there may be actual worth in investigating such a dream room. So he sought help to build it. After extensive research and exhaustive delays, he found a young MIT graduate who had devised a way to slice into the fabric of space-time, creating a new universe that operated on a different, more customizable, law of physics. A concept Ray couldn't care less about. Ray was more interested in using these customizable laws to build a world where anthropomorphic food cultivation could be possible.

The young scientists' work, to this day, is considered the biggest waste of a scientific discovery known to man, and he was often shunned by the scientific community. Ashamed at the monumental failure he called his life, he cast off his Christian name, preferring to be known only as "The Professor".

Ray first discovered The Professor after reading an article about his failed attempt to get a research grant from Harvard. Harvard concluded that his studies were "not considered a legitimate scientific endeavor", and that they had "serious moral implications". But his work was right in line with Ray's vision of a self sustaining food supply. Ray met with the Professor and the two hit it off quickly. Ray discussed the "experiment room", and The Professor was mildly curious. More importantly, he saw a chance to finish his life's work and rub his accolades in the face of his taunting peers. Ray wanted the room built no matter the cost. So with Ray's vast fortunes at his disposal, and a not-unlethal amount of alcohol, The Professor could finally realize his dream. And build Rays' dream, of course.

Ray introduced The Professor to Ronald McDonald in May 1969 and the two worked diligently to design the spacial plane of McDonaldland. They bickered on some of the finer details, including the color of the sky and what to name the roads but by December that same year, initial construction was under way.

The Professor then started the intricate work of perfecting the laws of physics to create the ideal conditions for McDonaldland. There were many failed attempts, resulting in horrifying abominations. According to some of the staff researchers, the "please kill me now dimension" become the behind-closed-doors name for such "failed attempts". These... incidents... earned The McDonalds company a lot of grief as whistle blowers leaked sensitive information about the ensuing "ideal conditions" trials. The media machine was in full spin, dubbing the case "McDonaldsGate", bewilderingly several years before the famous Watergate scandal.

McDonalds ended up spending large amounts of money to cover up the scandal. However, once all of the former whistle blowers were found dead reneged on their claims, the media storm died down. Regardless of the set backs and distractions, The Professor managed to meet ideal conditions by March 1970. By May of that year, Ronald took the first tour.

"It's been only a year's worth of time, yet we have successfully created a new universe that will be remembered for the rest of man kind." - Ronald McDonald after his first successful tour of McDonaldland.

The first anthropomorphized "beings" started to develop soon after. They included hamburgers and cheeseburgers growing in "The Hamburger Patch". "Thick Shake Volcanoes" erupting at regular intervals with one of three flavors. "Apple Pie Trees" that sprout hot apple pies from their branches. "Filet-O-Fish" swimming in the Filet-O-Fish Lake.

Before long, The Professor felt the term "anthropomorphic" was degrading and elected to refer to the McDonaldland inhabitants as "McLive". The term never caught on, and was scrapped completely after initial taste testing. Most people preferred not to think of the food as "alive" in any way. It quickly became evident that the anthropomorphic food should never be served to test subjects while still in a cognitive state. The screaming food items made the test subjects very uncomfortable. One subject broke down in tears after biting the face off a hamburger in an attempt to silence it. Official reports indicated that all food preparers were required to "remove or hide" all eyes, mouths, clothing or any other "living qualities" before serving. After final taste testing was finished and resulting modifications were made, McDonaldland was ready to be introduced to the public.

Or so they thought.

McDonaldland's official launch was initially scheduled for late November 1970, but McDonaldland was under attack. The Professor never realized that creating a new dimension filled with delicious food items growing freely would attract spontaneously generated scavengers. A highly specialized thief for each food item soon started to appear in town. The first was a short humanoid being that dressed in a black jump suit, wide-brimmed hat, red cape, a black Lone Ranger type mask concealing his eyes. This dastardly fiend would sneak into the hamburger patch and steal all of the fresh burgers before Ronald could pick the daily harvest. He was known as "The Hamburglar".

While it is commonly believed this title was chosen because he was a burglar that stole only hamburgers,( thus hamburg-lar), this is just rumor. The true origins of his name remain unknown.

Nowadays, most people would recognize the Hamburglar as having a striped jump suit, reminiscent of a prisoner's outfit. But the stripes would only come later. A dramatization of the incident that produced the stripes was documented in a 1980s commercial entitled "How the Hamburglar Got His Stripes", the actual events of which transpired in the late 70s.

Not much was known about The Hamburglar at the time. Intelligence reports indicated he was mildly autistic, and couldn't form intelligible words other muttering the word "Burger" over and over again. While investigating the Hamburglar's regular raids on the hamburger patch, Ronald discovered that The Hamburglar had moved into McDonaldland permanently, having constructed a house on the left edge of town just off French Fry Freeway. As Ronald made his way back he noticed a pirate ship floating in the middle of Filet-O-Fish Lake. On the ship he could vaguely make out a "human" type creature laughing and devouring all the Filet-O-Fish from the lake. Ronald and The Professor contacted Ray immediately to inform him the launch day will be delayed. But even worse McDonaldland was overrun by comically menacing villains that were eating all of the inhabitants. Ray was not happy. But he had a plan. A plan that would both keep the thieves in line, and improve the marketing force of McDonaldland.

Ray wanted swift punishment for the crimes committed in McDonaldland, but he didn't want to get rid the parasitic inhabitants from the land forever. He saw the potential of having adversaries as a way of swaying public opinion to his side. McDonald's had been under a lot of pressure from human rights activists for creating new life forms for human consumption. Having various villains and adversaries was a way to direct that negative attention from himself and on to his scape goats. Soon, Ray was instructing Ronald to move into McDonaldland and "show" one of the thieves that Ray Kroc is "not to be messed with".

That night, Ronald set up shop in the middle of town to send a clear message: he was in charge of McDonaldland. If you messed with McDonaldLand, then you messed with him. The plan was to go to the Hamburglar's house first thing in the morning to "talk some sense into him". But in the middle of the night Ronald got hungry, and headed to the milkshake volcanoes to have a small snack. There, he ran into another thief. A being that was not human in appearance like the others. This was a new beast altogether. A seven foot purple amorphous blob with four arms. He was spooning handful after giant handful of milk shake into his gaping maw. The beast took one look at Ronald, let out a horrendous moan and clutched his head with the top pair of arms. He appeared to be suffering from a monumental brain freeze and an evil grimace washed across his face. Ronald took off running down the mountain and flew outta McDonaldland like a bat out of hell. He breathlessly informed Ray of the new creature, panting out a desperate call to arms. More muscle was needed to clean up the town.

Meanwhile, Master Sargeant Maxwell Houlihan of the Illinois State Police District 2 was facing criminal changes for the murder of Patrick Willis, a twice convicted child molester and suspected murderer. He claimed he shot in was self defense, but all evidence showed that Willis' hands were cuffed behind his back when he received two bullets in the chest. The people of Chicagoland didn't want to convict, but the strong hint of premeditation made it hard to just let it go. Once again Ray found a promising ally where most just saw a wasted opportunity.

Maxwell was ten days away from sentencing when Ray summoned him to tour the McDonalds headquarters. "Before your freedom is ripped away, a good cop like you deserves to enjoy the greatest food in America," Ray Kroc wrote in a hand written invitation. Maxwell decided to take him up on his offer and arrived at the plaza that night. He was greeted with much fanfare and taken directly to Ray's office.

There, he was informed about the McDonaldland project and the need for a strong officer of the law to clean up the streets. Max was unsure about the position and a little taken aback by the questionable morals being displayed. While voicing his objections to Ray, a black figure stepped out of the shadows. "You know what will happen if you don't join us. Are you sure you don't want a fresh start?" Ronald's voice was the last thing he heard as a free man.

The next day a nationwide manhunt started for Officer Maxwell Houlihan, but he was never found.

Or so they thought. An unwitting public still gazed upon Maxwell daily, his likeness featured prominently in advertising campaigns for McDonaldland. Transformed by Ronald McDonald's powers, Officer Houlihan was hiding in plain site. In his infatuation with anthropomorphic food items, The Professor bestowed upon him a Big Mac for a head. He didn't have to or anything, he just liked Big Mac heads.

The transformation completed, Maxwell suited up in his ill-fitting bobby uniform, looked in the mirror and started to sob. Ray came over, put his hand on Maxwell's gigantic hamburger head and said "It's better this way Mac. Now you will be the Chief. Chief Big Mac of the McDonaldland district." Maxwell looked up and smiled at Ray. He turned, found a seat on the passing miniature train, and sat back for the ride through the tunnel. Maybe it was going to be ok.

It wasn't long before Chief Big Mac restored order to McDonaldland. He found the thieving characters to be quite harmless, and in most instances, very stupid. As long as they were fed the food they craved at least once a day, the villains behaved. Before long, they started to learn commands and tricks in exchange for sustenance. Chief Big Mac became a glorified zookeeper, tending to the thieves and handing out daily food rations. To amuse himself, he would create elaborate scenarios and setups, putting the thieves through challenges and showing off their skills before rewarding them with food.

When news of this reached Ronald's ears, he was very intrigued. The villains were in prime position to be featured in commercials, co-starring with Ronald McDonald himself. Ronald would make the villains his comic foil. He would set them up to fail time and again, then dispel the rising anger by satiating them with the fruits of MacDonaldland. It was the perfect plan."Mac's got them all trained up. Nothing could ever go wrong." he thought, in a way that was not obvious or foreshadowing at all. It was then he decided pump up the character line up by adding some new characters.

All MacDonaldland needed now was a mayor. They found one in Albert Bentley, property master from a popular television show. Once again, Ronald used his magic to transform, changing Albert's human exterior into that of an over sized McDonald food product. This time he choose a cheeseburger for a head. Albert's new identity was dubbed Mayor McCheese.

Mayor McCheese turned out to be an "incompetent fool"and was often described by Chief Big Mac as "giggly" or "bumbling". In general, he was rather harmless and proved to be a good background character for Ronald. You see, Ronald wanted the spotlight and wouldn't stand for anyone upstaging him. This proved to be problematic with Chief Big Mac, the only competent character in McDonaldland.

But Chief Big Mac surprised everyone by swallowing his pride and competently playing the role of buffoon along side Mayor McCheese. Ray took advantage of this newfound success by complementing the "good" character with yet another villain.

The Professor was tasked with creating the new villain, facing enormous difficulty, seeing as how the others had generated spontaneously. He settled on using a technique similar to that which occurred naturally in the fields of McDonaldland. He would increase the deliciousness factor of the french fries by five. This would encourage the generation of new characters to devour the natural landscape, creating the very chaos that would feed their empire's notoriety.

The technique was a success. A new generation of evil villains was born. The monsters fetuses emerged, furry balls with big eyes and thick black eyebrows that "gobbled" up french fries with homicidal vigor, thus earning them the name "Gobblins". These new creatures quickly moved into town and joined forces in dastardlly harmony. This was sweet news to Ray's ears, as tensions were high over the McDonaldland's extensive human experimentation. Stock holders, angry with the overspending and extreme secrecy, starting demanding results. Ray knew it was time to open the doors and start the cameras rolling, revealing to the world the new face of McDonald's.

January 17th 1971. Ronald McDonald and Ray Kroc held a press conference at the train tunnel to McDonaldland, describing a new world full of wonder and delight just beyond our own dimension. The only way to get there, they explained, was to take the ride on the miniature train that sat beside them. As celebration of the grand opening of McDonaldland, they were going to share its glory with the world. The crowd went wild.

With that the two full grown men crammed themselves into the train and disappeared into the dark tunnel. They reappeared on mouinted television screens as cameras bolted to the train captured all of the rolling landscapes and enthusiastic cries from Ronald and Ray. The guided tour continued until Ronald and Ray traveled the whole of McDonaldland. At long last, the train came full circle and dropped the men off back at the start of the track. "And that's what we have created and will be bringing home to children during their favorite tv shows. Thank you for coming out. You don't have to go home but you can't stay here. "

A stunned silence swept over the crowd. The people began to whisper, reporters looked confused. A crowd swarmed the McDonaldland podium. "You aren't going to let anyone in?" asked a man up front. "Why would kids care about something they will never get to experience?" asked a confused women pushing a microphone in Ray's face. Flustered, Ray pushed his way back to the train, determined to ride back into McDonaldland and avoid confrontation. Ronald, in a now famous scene, looked back at the cameras, sweating through his lead based makeup. He a half laugh and cleared his throat.

"McDonaldland must remain as a figment in the mind's of the people. If they ever knew the real truth, all the magic would be gone... The truth is we can't allow anyone in because... because there is not enough space for you all! Because we worked too hard to just let it all go to hell. You people and your badgering... look what you did to Ray! You, just don't deserve it.. ya know. Its not for you." With that, Ronald jumped onto the passing train as it finished its full revolution. "It's not for you..." Ronald's voice echoed as his head and swarthy figure disappeared. A roar emerged from the crowd, reporters and journalists all running after his disappearing figure into the tunnel, only to be thwarted by armed guards...

In part two we examine what the reaction was to the media launch and what sparked the golden years of McDonaldland, the coked up 80s. And when I say coked up I mean the New Coke coked up.

Jesus Is The Reason For The Season

This year, Jesus came through big time.

The numbers game

Sometimes when I am lonely I play a little game called the numbers game. It can be fun with other people too, but I like to be lonely so it works for me. The way it works is you start with the phrase "the first time" and then add a situation. Next you add "the second time" and then progress the situation. The trick is to find out how many times it takes for something to happen before it becomes catastrophic, or you get bored.. which incidentally happens more often then not, because it is a stupid game I made up. Although, I suppose MAD magazine did it once or twice before. So don't blame me when you find out it sucks.

The first time someone wins the lottery its lucky. The second time the same person wins the lottery it is a miracle. The third time the same person wins the lottery they go to jail for fraud.

The first time your dog bites your cankles you tell him "no". The second time your dog bites your cankles you swat him with a rolled up newspaper. The third time your dog bites your cankles you take him to a dog trainer. The fourth time your dog bites your cankles you give him away to that jerk hole neighbor that lives down the street.

The first time your 10 year old son misspells his name you laugh. The second time your 10 year old son misspells his name you get a tutor. The third time your 10 year old son misspells his name you give him away to the jerk hole neighbor that lives down the street and he grows up to be a bitter blog writer... thanks Mom!

The first time you find a quarter on the ground you pick it up for good luck. The second time you find a quarter on the ground you buy a pack of Wriggles delicious doublemint gum. The third time you find a quarter on the ground you start to actively look for change on the ground. The fourth time you find a quarter on the ground you realize this is a good way to make money without work. The fifth time you find a quarter on the ground you drop it into your change cup next to the sign that says "Quit my job cause this is more lucrative, got any change?"

The first time aliens read your thoughts you find it fascinating. The second time aliens read your thoughts you feel mildly violated. The third time aliens read your thoughts you put tin foil on your head and hope for the best.

The first time you buy a Xbox 360 and it breaks down after the first month, you think buyer beware. The second time you buy a Xbox 360 and it breaks down after the first month, you crack it open and try to fix it yourself. The third time you buy a Xbox 360 and it breaks down after the first month, you write a strongly worded letter to Mr. Gates about the common mans plight and business ethics. The fourth time you buy a Xbox 360 and it breaks down after the first month, you become a pompous Mac and iPhone user that wears shirts that have shitty pro Apple slogans like "Bite the Apple experience the trip". or "My other car is a Mac".

The first time you overdraw from your checking account the bank charges you thirty bucks. The second time you overdraw from you checking account the back charges you thirty bucks and lowers your interest rate. The third time you overdraw from you checking account the bank charges you thirty bucks, lowers your interest rate, and takes your house. The fourth time you overdraw from you checking account the bank charges you thirty bucks, lowers your interest rate, takes your house, and garnishes your wages. There is no fifth time because the bank has won and taken all of your money.

The first time you get naked and run across a sports stadium your wife leaves you, you get fired from your job, and all of your friends think you are ass pimple scar. That's it. Just once. So please people, stop it.

The first time you look down a hose and water squirts you in the eye you are confused and inquisitive enough to want to look again. The second time you look down a hose and water squirts you in the eye you either put down the hose for fear it will happen again, or still not satisfied you have solved the mystery, look again. The third time you look down a hose and water squirts you in the eye you are one of the three stooges, or in a poorly written comedy movie or blog.

The first time you read a crappy blog and didn't roll your eyes and block the site, you should have. My suggestion is to just walked away. Its what I would have done if I hadn't written it.

Doubling up cause I have been a slacking asshole.

You don't get much on the double post but I figured I would throw my one reader a bone.

Is it just me or does the color yellow really piss you off? Its so bright yet so hard to read when in textual form. What the hell is its problem? Plus douchebags always pick that color for their douchemobiles. You know what I mean, those fancy Mustangs all yellowed out, makes me want to puke yellow. I don't mind it so much on bees because its matched with black which looks pretty cool. But yellow alone or matched with any other color is just dumb as hell looking. I just can't stand it anymore. I am campaigning to Crayola to get rid of yellow from all its crayon lines. From the simple 8 pack all the way down to the swissarmy knife of crayon packs the beefy 64 pack with built in crayon sharpener.

BTW, who made up the crayon sharpener? Its a crayon! Aside from the stupid paper wrapper it is 100% crayon. You can just rub it on its side for a second to get a point. Or do like kids all across the world do and use the damn thing no matter if it has a point or not. I can just see the crayon head honcho thinking of the idea. "Kids these days are not going through there colored wax tools fast enough. We need a way for them to waste more crayon. I got it we will let them shave away perfectly good portions of the product so they will go to there respective parents and say "Mom, Dad, I widdled away all of my art supplies today, can you buy me more?" I bet it happened just like that too, verbatim. Bet me.

Books are really boring for people with no imagination like myself. I mean you not only have to read, which is a lot of work in the first place, but also picture every last detail yourself. Thats too much damn work for a lazy man like myself. I love watching things because they show you everything all at once. If the pens on a charters desk are red I can see that. I don't have to imagine they are one color only to find out later they are a completely different color later. "Richard reached for his red pen... ah shit I imagined them as blue now I have to re-imagine the whole scene." All that damn work for nothing. I don't know maybe its just me.

Ok I am done now. Go home and leave me alone for a while so I can think up some more annoying, and uninteresting things.