Sometimes when I am lonely I play a little game called the numbers game. It can be fun with other people too, but I like to be lonely so it works for me. The way it works is you start with the phrase "the first time" and then add a situation. Next you add "the second time" and then progress the situation. The trick is to find out how many times it takes for something to happen before it becomes catastrophic, or you get bored.. which incidentally happens more often then not, because it is a stupid game I made up. Although, I suppose MAD magazine did it once or twice before. So don't blame me when you find out it sucks.
The first time someone wins the lottery its lucky. The second time the same person wins the lottery it is a mirical. The third time the same person wins the lottery they go to jail for fraud.
The first time your dog bites your cankels you tell him "no". The second time your dog bites your cankels you swat him with a rolled up newspaper. The third time your dog bites your cankels you take him to a dog trainer. The fourth time your dog bites your canckels you give him away to that jerk hole neighbor that lives down the street.
The first time your 10 year old son misspells his name you laugh. The second time your 10 year old son misspells his name you get a tutor. The third time your 10 year old son misspells his name you give him away to the jerk hole neighbor that lives down the street and he grows up to be a bitter blog writer... thanks mom.
The first time you find a quarter on the ground you pick it up for good luck. The second time you find a quarter on the ground you buy a pack of Wriggles delicious doublemint gum. The third time you find a quarter on the ground you start to actively look for change on the ground. The fourth time you find a quarter on the ground you realize this is a good way to make money without work. The fifth time you find a quarter on the ground you drop it into your change cup next to the sign that says "Quit my job cause this is more lucrative, got any change?"
The first time aliens read your thoughts you find it fascinating. The second time aliens read your thoughts you feel mildly violated. The third time aliens read your thoughts you put tin foil on your head and hope for the best.
The first time you buy a Xbox 360 and it breaks down after the first month, you think buyer beware. The second time you buy a Xbox 360 and it breaks down after the first month, you crack it open and try to fix it yourself. The third time you buy a Xbox 360 and it breaks down after the first month, you write a strongly worded letter to Mr. Gates about the common mans plight and business ethics. The fourth time you buy a Xbox 360 and it breaks down after the first month, you become a pompous Mac and iPhone user that wears shirts that have shitty pro Apple slogans like "Bite the Apple experience the trip". or "My other car is a Mac".
The first time you overdraw from your checking account the bank charges you thirty bucks. The second time you overdraw from you checking account the back charges you thirty bucks and lowers your interest rate. The third time you overdraw from you checking account the bank charges you thirty bucks, lowers your interest rate, and takes your house. The fourth time you overdraw from you checking account the bank charges you thirty bucks, lowers your interest rate, takes your house, and garnishes your wages. There is no fifth time because the bank has won and taken all of your money.
The first time you get naked and run across a sports stadium your wife leaves you, you get fired from your job, and all of your friends think you are ass pimple scar. That's it. Just once. So please people, stop it.
The first time you look down a hose and water squrits you in the eye you are confused and inquisitive enough to want to look again and see why this would happen. The second time you look down a hose and water squrits you in the eye you either put down the hose for fear it will happen again, or still not satisfied you have solved the mystery, look again. The third time you look down a hose and water squrits you in the eye you are one of the three stooges, or in a poorly written comedy movie or blog.
The first time you read a crappy blog and didn't roll your eyes and block the site, you should have. My suggestion is to just walked away. Its what I would have done if I hadn't written it.
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Friday, November 13, 2009
Doubling up cause I have been a slacking asshole.
You don't get much on the double post but I figured I would throw my one reader a bone.
Is it just me or does the color yellow really piss you off? Its so bright yet so hard to read when in textual form. What the hell is its problem? Plus douchebags always pick that color for their douchemobiles. You know what I mean, those fancy Mustangs all yellowed out, makes me want to puke yellow. I don't mind it so much on bees because its matched with black which looks pretty cool. But yellow alone or matched with any other color is just dumb as hell looking. I just can't stand it anymore. I am campaigning to Crayola to get rid of yellow from all its crayon lines. From the simple 8 pack all the way down to the swissarmy knife of crayon packs the beefy 64 pack with built in crayon sharpener.
BTW, who made up the crayon sharpener? Its a crayon! Aside from the stupid paper wrapper it is 100% crayon. You can just rub it on its side for a second to get a point. Or do like kids all across the world do and use the damn thing no matter if it has a point or not. I can just see the crayon head honcho thinking of the idea. "Kids these days are not going through there colored wax tools fast enough. We need a way for them to waste more crayon. I got it we will let them shave away perfectly good portions of the product so they will go to there respective parents and say "Mom, Dad, I widdled away all of my art supplies today, can you buy me more?" I bet it happened just like that too, verbatim. Bet me.
Books are really boring for people with no imagination like myself. I mean you not only have to read, which is a lot of work in the first place, but also picture every last detail yourself. Thats too much damn work for a lazy man like myself. I love watching things because they show you everything all at once. If the pens on a charters desk are red I can see that. I don't have to imagine they are one color only to find out later they are a completely different color later. "Richard reached for his red pen... ah shit I imagined them as blue now I have to re-imagine the whole scene." All that damn work for nothing. I don't know maybe its just me.
Ok I am done now. Go home and leave me alone for a while so I can think up some more annoying, and uninteresting things.
Is it just me or does the color yellow really piss you off? Its so bright yet so hard to read when in textual form. What the hell is its problem? Plus douchebags always pick that color for their douchemobiles. You know what I mean, those fancy Mustangs all yellowed out, makes me want to puke yellow. I don't mind it so much on bees because its matched with black which looks pretty cool. But yellow alone or matched with any other color is just dumb as hell looking. I just can't stand it anymore. I am campaigning to Crayola to get rid of yellow from all its crayon lines. From the simple 8 pack all the way down to the swissarmy knife of crayon packs the beefy 64 pack with built in crayon sharpener.
BTW, who made up the crayon sharpener? Its a crayon! Aside from the stupid paper wrapper it is 100% crayon. You can just rub it on its side for a second to get a point. Or do like kids all across the world do and use the damn thing no matter if it has a point or not. I can just see the crayon head honcho thinking of the idea. "Kids these days are not going through there colored wax tools fast enough. We need a way for them to waste more crayon. I got it we will let them shave away perfectly good portions of the product so they will go to there respective parents and say "Mom, Dad, I widdled away all of my art supplies today, can you buy me more?" I bet it happened just like that too, verbatim. Bet me.
Books are really boring for people with no imagination like myself. I mean you not only have to read, which is a lot of work in the first place, but also picture every last detail yourself. Thats too much damn work for a lazy man like myself. I love watching things because they show you everything all at once. If the pens on a charters desk are red I can see that. I don't have to imagine they are one color only to find out later they are a completely different color later. "Richard reached for his red pen... ah shit I imagined them as blue now I have to re-imagine the whole scene." All that damn work for nothing. I don't know maybe its just me.
Ok I am done now. Go home and leave me alone for a while so I can think up some more annoying, and uninteresting things.
The GoodSpaceGuy Revolution
Come one, come all. You too can be on the cusp of history for all of mankind. SpaceShip Earth is only the beginning. All we ask is that you cast your vote for The Master of Science, the captain of Spaceship Earth, and all around good-space-guy.
If you haven't heard, the great state of Washington had an extra interesting candidate on the ballot for the King County Executive (Seattle) this year. And yes, he ran under the name GoodSpaceGuy. His real name being Micheal Nelson, but feeling that there are far too many Micheal Nelsons already inhabiting SpaceShip Earth, he decided to change his name to GoodSpaceGuy to stand out. After reading some of his statements, I can assure you that standing out is something Mr. SpaceGuy doesn't have to worry about.
So just what does GoodSpaceGuy stand for? That's a very good question and it has a very good answer. Orbital Space Colonization, that's what. And he uses all caps to show just how important this cause is. It will help build a "Fantastic Future!", and "spread the life of Spaceship Earth out into our Solar System!" GoodSpaceGuy feels that we should already have orbital space colonies around the Moon and Mars, but have wasted our space bucks on useless things like exploring our solar system.
"Unfortunately, much of our space money has been wasted. It is as if our leaders have not been educated in orbital space colonization. The waste and destruction of taxpayers’ space property show a lack of understanding of space colonization." I can't make this shit up. Its like this guy just wants to be made fun of. Space money and space property? He talks like a bad 1950s science fiction writer. Also since when was it mandatory for our government officials to be "educated in orbital space colonization"? Now I for one actually think that space colonization is a very important milestone in human history. But I am also a realist and understand that the effort and money it requires to build and maintain a system of that size and complexity is unattainable at this point in human history. Even if NASA can build a pen that writes upside-down, sustainable space colonies for mass populations in free floating space outside of the Moon and Mars is a bit out of reach. And where the hell did he get Mars from? Why would we have a station above Mars? Do you know how long it takes to travel to Mars? Its like months if the planets are close. How does he think we can successfully build this station? Well the answer is simple really, it comes from his educational background in economics.
Yes economics is what he has been "formally" trained in. Minor in fact. Both his Masters and Bachelors degrees are minors in economics. Although on his web site it lists that he has a "*Master of Science, U. of Minnesota" I am assuming he means a Masters in Science. Then again he may just be proclaiming that he is a Master of Science, if you will. Science has nothing more to teach him. It is us that needs to catch up so we can help him achieve the dream of space colonization. But most importantly he is an amateur astronomer, so of course this all adds up to the qualification needed to determine that current leadership doesn't understand the problems of space colonization enough to be trusted to run the country. And of course he has overseas studies in Sweden and Germany. He wouldn't be a pretentious asshole if he didn't study aboard.
In the end though I can't hate on the guy too much. He would probably do the least amount of harm if he was elected. A guy like that is not a politician. He is not playing the game of politics. His job is not to get elected every few years, so he doesn't have the built in bullshit that real politicians have. He is not trying to figure out how to get away with as much as possible and still have you like him. That to me is honorable. Plus the guy is so out there that none of his initiatives would get passed thus making him very ineffective. And who knows, maybe he is the master of science he makes himself out to be, and could actually change things for the better. Doubtful but who knows. He is smart enough to know that spouting off on just space coloization will get him no where so he did adopt some hot-button policies. Mostly around his economics background.
Job safety nets and putting people to work "(including people with problems)". I am not really sure what he is talking about but he sure is passionate about it. When you hear him talk it almost seems like he has a plan to help the large unemployment numbers seen in this country today...almost. But then you read his "GoodSpaceGuy" name tag and you remember "oh yeah this guy has lost his mind." Its no wonder he didn't make it past the first round of run off voting. For all your GoodSpaceGuy needs check out his website (which someone hilarously pointed out is hosted at blogspot and he wouldn't even shell out the 10 bucks to buy a domain name, maybe he just wanted to show he is frugal) http://colonizespace.blogspot.com. Also try doing a Google search for GoodSpaceGuy. You are sure to find more awesome information about him.
If you haven't heard, the great state of Washington had an extra interesting candidate on the ballot for the King County Executive (Seattle) this year. And yes, he ran under the name GoodSpaceGuy. His real name being Micheal Nelson, but feeling that there are far too many Micheal Nelsons already inhabiting SpaceShip Earth, he decided to change his name to GoodSpaceGuy to stand out. After reading some of his statements, I can assure you that standing out is something Mr. SpaceGuy doesn't have to worry about.
So just what does GoodSpaceGuy stand for? That's a very good question and it has a very good answer. Orbital Space Colonization, that's what. And he uses all caps to show just how important this cause is. It will help build a "Fantastic Future!", and "spread the life of Spaceship Earth out into our Solar System!" GoodSpaceGuy feels that we should already have orbital space colonies around the Moon and Mars, but have wasted our space bucks on useless things like exploring our solar system.
"Unfortunately, much of our space money has been wasted. It is as if our leaders have not been educated in orbital space colonization. The waste and destruction of taxpayers’ space property show a lack of understanding of space colonization." I can't make this shit up. Its like this guy just wants to be made fun of. Space money and space property? He talks like a bad 1950s science fiction writer. Also since when was it mandatory for our government officials to be "educated in orbital space colonization"? Now I for one actually think that space colonization is a very important milestone in human history. But I am also a realist and understand that the effort and money it requires to build and maintain a system of that size and complexity is unattainable at this point in human history. Even if NASA can build a pen that writes upside-down, sustainable space colonies for mass populations in free floating space outside of the Moon and Mars is a bit out of reach. And where the hell did he get Mars from? Why would we have a station above Mars? Do you know how long it takes to travel to Mars? Its like months if the planets are close. How does he think we can successfully build this station? Well the answer is simple really, it comes from his educational background in economics.
Yes economics is what he has been "formally" trained in. Minor in fact. Both his Masters and Bachelors degrees are minors in economics. Although on his web site it lists that he has a "*Master of Science, U. of Minnesota" I am assuming he means a Masters in Science. Then again he may just be proclaiming that he is a Master of Science, if you will. Science has nothing more to teach him. It is us that needs to catch up so we can help him achieve the dream of space colonization. But most importantly he is an amateur astronomer, so of course this all adds up to the qualification needed to determine that current leadership doesn't understand the problems of space colonization enough to be trusted to run the country. And of course he has overseas studies in Sweden and Germany. He wouldn't be a pretentious asshole if he didn't study aboard.
In the end though I can't hate on the guy too much. He would probably do the least amount of harm if he was elected. A guy like that is not a politician. He is not playing the game of politics. His job is not to get elected every few years, so he doesn't have the built in bullshit that real politicians have. He is not trying to figure out how to get away with as much as possible and still have you like him. That to me is honorable. Plus the guy is so out there that none of his initiatives would get passed thus making him very ineffective. And who knows, maybe he is the master of science he makes himself out to be, and could actually change things for the better. Doubtful but who knows. He is smart enough to know that spouting off on just space coloization will get him no where so he did adopt some hot-button policies. Mostly around his economics background.
Job safety nets and putting people to work "(including people with problems)". I am not really sure what he is talking about but he sure is passionate about it. When you hear him talk it almost seems like he has a plan to help the large unemployment numbers seen in this country today...almost. But then you read his "GoodSpaceGuy" name tag and you remember "oh yeah this guy has lost his mind." Its no wonder he didn't make it past the first round of run off voting. For all your GoodSpaceGuy needs check out his website (which someone hilarously pointed out is hosted at blogspot and he wouldn't even shell out the 10 bucks to buy a domain name, maybe he just wanted to show he is frugal) http://colonizespace.blogspot.com. Also try doing a Google search for GoodSpaceGuy. You are sure to find more awesome information about him.
Friday, October 9, 2009
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
I call this one untitled
I don’t trust fat homeless people. Its like “what's your game?” They are either hording delicious fatty foods from their fellow homeless or they are just posers. Also if the homeless person doesn’t smell like poop then again don’t trust them. They are probably undercover cops or something. I know, I know, I shouldn’t pick on the homeless, but its cool my dad was homeless.
Apparently there is a new word that absolves a person from any and all homosexual tendencies. Its called nohomo and is used at the beginning or end of a sentence that makes you sound like a homo. I really don’t understand it tho. To me just saying the word nohomo makes you seem like you are in fact a homo. I mean if I were a gay man and was around a bunch of straight men and I didn’t want them to think I was gay I was say something along the lines of “..but I am not gay” which is exactly what nohomo means. Plus when they hell do you use something like that. I don’t know about you but I don’t say many things in a day that can be construed as homosexual. Does it work if you say something like “nohomo, but I want to fuck that guys ass.” or “I am gay... Nohomo”. Here’s an idea don’t say gay things. Also does it work the other way around. Can gay people use it to indicate homo. “I love pink shirts, homo” or “I think I may be bisexual, somehomo”.
Apparently there is a new word that absolves a person from any and all homosexual tendencies. Its called nohomo and is used at the beginning or end of a sentence that makes you sound like a homo. I really don’t understand it tho. To me just saying the word nohomo makes you seem like you are in fact a homo. I mean if I were a gay man and was around a bunch of straight men and I didn’t want them to think I was gay I was say something along the lines of “..but I am not gay” which is exactly what nohomo means. Plus when they hell do you use something like that. I don’t know about you but I don’t say many things in a day that can be construed as homosexual. Does it work if you say something like “nohomo, but I want to fuck that guys ass.” or “I am gay... Nohomo”. Here’s an idea don’t say gay things. Also does it work the other way around. Can gay people use it to indicate homo. “I love pink shirts, homo” or “I think I may be bisexual, somehomo”.
Friday, August 28, 2009
From The Uncle Macabee Files
Badfish: That's a racist thing to say, Uncle Macabee.
Uncle Macabee: You're racist! You're the one always using black words.
Uncle Macabee: You're racist! You're the one always using black words.
Thursday, August 13, 2009
You can't force genius, you will get end up getting hemroids.
I will dump my mind garbage when I am damn well ready. Which incidentally is right now so... lucky us.
If I had enough money I would buy a sidekick. Just someone to hang out with me and when shit goes down they got my back. I think I would make them wear a cape. That way they know I am boss, but also because.. you know since I am ponying up the cash for it then I want them to look professional. I think it would be a good long term investment. And maybe in the end you get a friend too. Someone to just go and eat tacos with. How can you put a price on that?
Some things are better when they are warm. Tacos, chicken soup, days, and brownies to name a few things. Other things are decisively not better warm. Ice cream, milk, tacos, and a pile of poop you stepped in. So as you can see temperature is very important and you should always think though all of the possibilities when making a decision. Or I just wanted to write something that mentioned warm poop.
To say that nobody likes something is pretty harsh. "Nobody likes pimentos.. or Jason." To me that's the roof of cruel. How can you top saying that not a single thing in existence finds something appealing. I am sure its a gross exaggeration. I can't imagine anything that at least one person doesn't like. There are plenty of people to this day that like Hitler. And I bet you could find more then one person who likes getting kicked in the balls or face area, eating gross things like tacos, inducing vomiting, licking door handles, shouting at trees, and all sorts watermelon related tragedies. So I understand that it is used to give weight to the statement... and when you apply the theory of relativity, its very possible to have all the members of a group not like something. Alright so it's just me then. I'm the asshole. Well I guess its really nothing new.
I fucking hate it when people think they are funny just because they string together a list of nonsensical blurbs. That just really pisses the shit out of me. It just really chaps the shit out of my ass. If I had a goat it would have been gotten and chopped up into little goat steaks that I ate last night. That's how pissed off I am about it. I mean it's like what the fuck dude? Got anything better to do with you're shitty life? I guess not. Oh I can take random word A and stick it at the end of random word B, oh look at me I am sooo funny. That was typed in a sarcastic tone by the way. It's just that I have had it way beyond the top of my had it level with people like that. They just harp on and on about the same shit over and over again with long run on sentences that end with lists of dumb things like "he's growin' rice crispy treats", or "that's not where that goes", and "tacos are fun to eat". It's just utter bullshit. Hey wait a second... I just thought of someone this sounds like. In fact... it sounds just like Me *cough*cough*hack* ahem... ah.. oh excuse me I had a cough there. I meant to say it sounds like Milosh. You know Micheal Milosh. That Canadian electronic music guy. He did that one song that was like "do daa daa You make me feel de do da da." No? Well anyway, what was I talking about again?
If I had enough money I would buy a sidekick. Just someone to hang out with me and when shit goes down they got my back. I think I would make them wear a cape. That way they know I am boss, but also because.. you know since I am ponying up the cash for it then I want them to look professional. I think it would be a good long term investment. And maybe in the end you get a friend too. Someone to just go and eat tacos with. How can you put a price on that?
Some things are better when they are warm. Tacos, chicken soup, days, and brownies to name a few things. Other things are decisively not better warm. Ice cream, milk, tacos, and a pile of poop you stepped in. So as you can see temperature is very important and you should always think though all of the possibilities when making a decision. Or I just wanted to write something that mentioned warm poop.
To say that nobody likes something is pretty harsh. "Nobody likes pimentos.. or Jason." To me that's the roof of cruel. How can you top saying that not a single thing in existence finds something appealing. I am sure its a gross exaggeration. I can't imagine anything that at least one person doesn't like. There are plenty of people to this day that like Hitler. And I bet you could find more then one person who likes getting kicked in the balls or face area, eating gross things like tacos, inducing vomiting, licking door handles, shouting at trees, and all sorts watermelon related tragedies. So I understand that it is used to give weight to the statement... and when you apply the theory of relativity, its very possible to have all the members of a group not like something. Alright so it's just me then. I'm the asshole. Well I guess its really nothing new.
I fucking hate it when people think they are funny just because they string together a list of nonsensical blurbs. That just really pisses the shit out of me. It just really chaps the shit out of my ass. If I had a goat it would have been gotten and chopped up into little goat steaks that I ate last night. That's how pissed off I am about it. I mean it's like what the fuck dude? Got anything better to do with you're shitty life? I guess not. Oh I can take random word A and stick it at the end of random word B, oh look at me I am sooo funny. That was typed in a sarcastic tone by the way. It's just that I have had it way beyond the top of my had it level with people like that. They just harp on and on about the same shit over and over again with long run on sentences that end with lists of dumb things like "he's growin' rice crispy treats", or "that's not where that goes", and "tacos are fun to eat". It's just utter bullshit. Hey wait a second... I just thought of someone this sounds like. In fact... it sounds just like Me *cough*cough*hack* ahem... ah.. oh excuse me I had a cough there. I meant to say it sounds like Milosh. You know Micheal Milosh. That Canadian electronic music guy. He did that one song that was like "do daa daa You make me feel de do da da." No? Well anyway, what was I talking about again?
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