I Think He's Retarded Or Something

Where the crazy things are

2011-06-26T16:37:00.000-07:00

Barbara Schwarz is awesome. More awesome than GoodSpaceGuy. But according to Christopher Hitchens; Mother Teresa is a heinous bitch. Probably not as much as H. H. Holmes though. Oddly enough he is of no relation to John Holmes, that's just a myth. I once met Clifford Robinson at the GameWorks in Seattle, he was a real dick. Just joking, he was cool. Where was I going with this post? I don't remember. But I bet it was annoying to click all those links.

Venturing into the brave new world.

2011-03-02T00:56:00.001-08:00

Consider this the next evolutionary step in blogging. I am right now sending this from my mobile phone.
I mean holy shit, really? Mobile phone? Man who would have thought. ... Not me, that's for sure. ... so yeah, turns out I don't have enough to talk about to have this level of Blogger access. I am sorry for wasting all of your time.

And remember UncleMacabee brand blog posts make great gifts.

2010-10-19T22:36:00.000-07:00

I ate one of those XXL Chalupa things the other day. It actually wasn't as difficult as the commercials make it out to be. In fact, I required no assistance and was slightly hungry afterward. Although, I will say that it was entirely too much Chalupa. Halfway through I did consider that, for health reasons, the XXL nacho cheese and sour cream filled fried taco shell shouldn't be consumed completely in one sitting. But then I figured that I already went this far, so I might was well finish off the damn thing. I mean I did pay $4.00 and some change for it so I don't want to waste it. Hey look just get off my back about it, alright. It's not like I eat at Taco Bell often, or weekly... or daily..even. If I did though I would defiantly eat one of those Chalupa things again.

I am beginning to think that getting a life is not the same as taking a life. This is a funny phrase, I think we can all agree on that. But why is it funny? Well let's take this phrase apart and see just what makes it so funny. Firstly of course, its funny because it insinuates that the teller has been murdering people in an attempt to "get a life". Nextly it starts with "beginning" which to me makes it sound like this person is just now coming to the realization that killing people is not the answer. How many killed? Its hard to say, but its defiantly more then one. And finally its funny because people got hurt and it wasn't you. That's what all comedy is. Don't believe me, look it up.

I would say more, and maybe I should since I have been on such a long hiatus. But you don't own me and I want to say this right here, right now. The internet is the most impressive and advanced human communication tool and will prove to be a major turning point in the evolution in mankind by giving us unfettered access to any information anywhere, anytime. So until it is fully ultilized porn will continue to reign as content king and I will continue to increase the number of wasted sectors of memory on the blogger servers. Those very same memory sectors could be used to save a few pixels of the Robinson family's dog. Go ahead press the "next blog" link at the top of the page. I bet you its some shitty family blog. But I digress. I decide how much or how little I put out, so stop bugging me all the time. I mean look at all my comments and messages from fans, its overwhelming. Annnnnnnnd done. Ok, great. Thanks everyone that's a wrap. I think it went well tonight. Yeah, yea we'll see how it comes out... my mic? Oh yeah here, thanks.

When I die, take me to McDonaldland® - part 1

2010-03-20T00:44:00.000-07:00

If you were alive during the 70s, 80s, early 90s or perhaps all three, it is likely that McDonaldland or one of its citizens has profoundly touched your heart. Maybe it's because McDonaldland is a fantastic place where hamburgers grow from vines, shakes ooze from the smiling mountains, and around every corner, a food bandit is lurking. Or maybe you love the fact that McDonaldland is the home to all the wonderful McDonalds advertisement personalities, including the hamburger slinging clown himself, Ronald McDonald. Whatever your personal reason(s) for loving McDonaldland, it makes no difference. The fact is, McDonaldland is the Nirvana for children ages 4 - 14 (and anyone who's maturity level hasn't moved beyond that demographic).

Yet we know so little of the back story of McDonaldland. The rich, and sometimes sultry, history of McDonaldland is the history of all of us. Its what we watched, ate, and in some rare cases, masturbated to, during the wonder years of our lives. To learn this history we need only to look to the citizens of McDonaldland. As we examine them, we see just how Ronald McDonald and his friends created and shaped the most captivating place outside our own plane of existence. In this special three part series, we look into the lives of Ronald McDonald and friends, to get a glimpse of a typical day in this "utopian" cartoon landscape. Although it is ethereal and only the lucky few are allowed to visit, we all long to live in a place that is just like... McDonaldland.

Part 1: The McGenesis

Legend has it, McDonaldland started when Ray Kroc suddenly awoke in a cold sweat. He just had a terrifying dream about an experiment/torture room, that he used to discover new, cheap, ways of producing his wildly popular food items. After being haunted by the dream for a few days, Ray decided there may be actual worth in investigating such a dream room. So he sought help to build it. After extensive research and exhaustive delays, he found a young MIT graduate who had devised a way to slice into the fabric of space-time, creating a new universe that operated on a different, more customizable, law of physics. A concept Ray couldn't care less about. Ray was more interested in using these customizable laws to build a world where anthropomorphic food cultivation could be possible.

The young scientists' work, to this day, is considered the biggest waste of a scientific discovery known to man, and he was often shunned by the scientific community. Ashamed at the monumental failure he called his life, he cast off his Christian name, preferring to be known only as "The Professor".

Ray first discovered The Professor after reading an article about his failed attempt to get a research grant from Harvard. Harvard concluded that his studies were "not considered a legitimate scientific endeavor", and that they had "serious moral implications". But his work was right in line with Ray's vision of a self sustaining food supply. Ray met with the Professor and the two hit it off quickly. Ray discussed the "experiment room", and The Professor was mildly curious. More importantly, he saw a chance to finish his life's work and rub his accolades in the face of his taunting peers. Ray wanted the room built no matter the cost. So with Ray's vast fortunes at his disposal, and a not-unlethal amount of alcohol, The Professor could finally realize his dream. And build Rays' dream, of course.

Ray introduced The Professor to Ronald McDonald in May 1969 and the two worked diligently to design the spacial plane of McDonaldland. They bickered on some of the finer details, including the color of the sky and what to name the roads but by December that same year, initial construction was under way.

The Professor then started the intricate work of perfecting the laws of physics to create the ideal conditions for McDonaldland. There were many failed attempts, resulting in horrifying abominations. According to some of the staff researchers, the "please kill me now dimension" become the behind-closed-doors name for such "failed attempts". These... incidents... earned The McDonalds company a lot of grief as whistle blowers leaked sensitive information about the ensuing "ideal conditions" trials. The media machine was in full spin, dubbing the case "McDonaldsGate", bewilderingly several years before the famous Watergate scandal.

McDonalds ended up spending large amounts of money to cover up the scandal. However, once all of the former whistle blowers ~~were found dead~~ reneged on their claims, the media storm died down. Regardless of the set backs and distractions, The Professor managed to meet ideal conditions by March 1970. By May of that year, Ronald took the first tour.

"It's been only a year's worth of time, yet we have successfully created a new universe that will be remembered for the rest of man kind." - Ronald McDonald after his first successful tour of McDonaldland.

The first anthropomorphized "beings" started to develop soon after. They included hamburgers and cheeseburgers growing in "The Hamburger Patch". "Thick Shake Volcanoes" erupting at regular intervals with one of three flavors. "Apple Pie Trees" that sprout hot apple pies from their branches. "Filet-O-Fish" swimming in the Filet-O-Fish Lake.

Before long, The Professor felt the term "anthropomorphic" was degrading and elected to refer to the McDonaldland inhabitants as "McLive". The term never caught on, and was scrapped completely after initial taste testing. Most people preferred not to think of the food as "alive" in any way. It quickly became evident that the anthropomorphic food should never be served to test subjects while still in a cognitive state. The screaming food items made the test subjects very uncomfortable. One subject broke down in tears after biting the face off a hamburger in an attempt to silence it. Official reports indicated that all food preparers were required to "remove or hide" all eyes, mouths, clothing or any other "living qualities" before serving. After final taste testing was finished and resulting modifications were made, McDonaldland was ready to be introduced to the public.

Or so they thought.

McDonaldland's official launch was initially scheduled for late November 1970, but McDonaldland was under attack. The Professor never realized that creating a new dimension filled with delicious food items growing freely would attract spontaneously generated scavengers. A highly specialized thief for each food item soon started to appear in town. The first was a short humanoid being that dressed in a black jump suit, wide-brimmed hat, red cape, a black Lone Ranger type mask concealing his eyes. This dastardly fiend would sneak into the hamburger patch and steal all of the fresh burgers before Ronald could pick the daily harvest. He was known as "The Hamburglar".

While it is commonly believed this title was chosen because he was a burglar that stole only hamburgers,( thus hamburg-lar), this is just rumor. The true origins of his name remain unknown.

Nowadays, most people would recognize the Hamburglar as having a striped jump suit, reminiscent of a prisoner's outfit. But the stripes would only come later. A dramatization of the incident that produced the stripes was documented in a 1980s commercial entitled "How the Hamburglar Got His Stripes", the actual events of which transpired in the late 70s.

Not much was known about The Hamburglar at the time. Intelligence reports indicated he was mildly autistic, and couldn't form intelligible words other muttering the word "Burger" over and over again. While investigating the Hamburglar's regular raids on the hamburger patch, Ronald discovered that The Hamburglar had moved into McDonaldland permanently, having constructed a house on the left edge of town just off French Fry Freeway. As Ronald made his way back he noticed a pirate ship floating in the middle of Filet-O-Fish Lake. On the ship he could vaguely make out a "human" type creature laughing and devouring all the Filet-O-Fish from the lake. Ronald and The Professor contacted Ray immediately to inform him the launch day will be delayed. But even worse McDonaldland was overrun by comically menacing villains that were eating all of the inhabitants. Ray was not happy. But he had a plan. A plan that would both keep the thieves in line, and improve the marketing force of McDonaldland.

Ray wanted swift punishment for the crimes committed in McDonaldland, but he didn't want to get rid the parasitic inhabitants from the land forever. He saw the potential of having adversaries as a way of swaying public opinion to his side. McDonald's had been under a lot of pressure from human rights activists for creating new life forms for human consumption. Having various villains and adversaries was a way to direct that negative attention from himself and on to his scape goats. Soon, Ray was instructing Ronald to move into McDonaldland and "show" one of the thieves that Ray Kroc is "not to be messed with".

That night, Ronald set up shop in the middle of town to send a clear message: he was in charge of McDonaldland. If you messed with McDonaldLand, then you messed with him. The plan was to go to the Hamburglar's house first thing in the morning to "talk some sense into him". But in the middle of the night Ronald got hungry, and headed to the milkshake volcanoes to have a small snack. There, he ran into another thief. A being that was not human in appearance like the others. This was a new beast altogether. A seven foot purple amorphous blob with four arms. He was spooning handful after giant handful of milk shake into his gaping maw. The beast took one look at Ronald, let out a horrendous moan and clutched his head with the top pair of arms. He appeared to be suffering from a monumental brain freeze and an evil grimace washed across his face. Ronald took off running down the mountain and flew outta McDonaldland like a bat out of hell. He breathlessly informed Ray of the new creature, panting out a desperate call to arms. More muscle was needed to clean up the town.

Meanwhile, Master Sargeant Maxwell Houlihan of the Illinois State Police District 2 was facing criminal changes for the murder of Patrick Willis, a twice convicted child molester and suspected murderer. He claimed he shot in was self defense, but all evidence showed that Willis' hands were cuffed behind his back when he received two bullets in the chest. The people of Chicagoland didn't want to convict, but the strong hint of premeditation made it hard to just let it go. Once again Ray found a promising ally where most just saw a wasted opportunity.

Maxwell was ten days away from sentencing when Ray summoned him to tour the McDonalds headquarters. "Before your freedom is ripped away, a good cop like you deserves to enjoy the greatest food in America," Ray Kroc wrote in a hand written invitation. Maxwell decided to take him up on his offer and arrived at the plaza that night. He was greeted with much fanfare and taken directly to Ray's office.

There, he was informed about the McDonaldland project and the need for a strong officer of the law to clean up the streets. Max was unsure about the position and a little taken aback by the questionable morals being displayed. While voicing his objections to Ray, a black figure stepped out of the shadows. "You know what will happen if you don't join us. Are you sure you don't want a fresh start?" Ronald's voice was the last thing he heard as a free man.

The next day a nationwide manhunt started for Officer Maxwell Houlihan, but he was never found.

Or so they thought. An unwitting public still gazed upon Maxwell daily, his likeness featured prominently in advertising campaigns for McDonaldland. Transformed by Ronald McDonald's powers, Officer Houlihan was hiding in plain site. In his infatuation with anthropomorphic food items, The Professor bestowed upon him a Big Mac for a head. He didn't have to or anything, he just liked Big Mac heads.

The transformation completed, Maxwell suited up in his ill-fitting bobby uniform, looked in the mirror and started to sob. Ray came over, put his hand on Maxwell's gigantic hamburger head and said "It's better this way Mac. Now you will be the Chief. Chief Big Mac of the McDonaldland district." Maxwell looked up and smiled at Ray. He turned, found a seat on the passing miniature train, and sat back for the ride through the tunnel. Maybe it was going to be ok.

It wasn't long before Chief Big Mac restored order to McDonaldland. He found the thieving characters to be quite harmless, and in most instances, very stupid. As long as they were fed the food they craved at least once a day, the villains behaved. Before long, they started to learn commands and tricks in exchange for sustenance. Chief Big Mac became a glorified zookeeper, tending to the thieves and handing out daily food rations. To amuse himself, he would create elaborate scenarios and setups, putting the thieves through challenges and showing off their skills before rewarding them with food.

When news of this reached Ronald's ears, he was very intrigued. The villains were in prime position to be featured in commercials, co-starring with Ronald McDonald himself. Ronald would make the villains his comic foil. He would set them up to fail time and again, then dispel the rising anger by satiating them with the fruits of MacDonaldland. It was the perfect plan."Mac's got them all trained up. Nothing could ever go wrong." he thought, in a way that was not obvious or foreshadowing at all. It was then he decided pump up the character line up by adding some new characters.

All MacDonaldland needed now was a mayor. They found one in Albert Bentley, property master from a popular television show. Once again, Ronald used his magic to transform, changing Albert's human exterior into that of an over sized McDonald food product. This time he choose a cheeseburger for a head. Albert's new identity was dubbed Mayor McCheese.

Mayor McCheese turned out to be an "incompetent fool"and was often described by Chief Big Mac as "giggly" or "bumbling". In general, he was rather harmless and proved to be a good background character for Ronald. You see, Ronald wanted the spotlight and wouldn't stand for anyone upstaging him. This proved to be problematic with Chief Big Mac, the only competent character in McDonaldland.

But Chief Big Mac surprised everyone by swallowing his pride and competently playing the role of buffoon along side Mayor McCheese. Ray took advantage of this newfound success by complementing the "good" character with yet another villain.

The Professor was tasked with creating the new villain, facing enormous difficulty, seeing as how the others had generated spontaneously. He settled on using a technique similar to that which occurred naturally in the fields of McDonaldland. He would increase the deliciousness factor of the french fries by five. This would encourage the generation of new characters to devour the natural landscape, creating the very chaos that would feed their empire's notoriety.

The technique was a success. A new generation of evil villains was born. The monsters fetuses emerged, furry balls with big eyes and thick black eyebrows that "gobbled" up french fries with homicidal vigor, thus earning them the name "Gobblins". These new creatures quickly moved into town and joined forces in dastardlly harmony. This was sweet news to Ray's ears, as tensions were high over the McDonaldland's extensive human experimentation. Stock holders, angry with the overspending and extreme secrecy, starting demanding results. Ray knew it was time to open the doors and start the cameras rolling, revealing to the world the new face of McDonald's.

January 17th 1971. Ronald McDonald and Ray Kroc held a press conference at the train tunnel to McDonaldland, describing a new world full of wonder and delight just beyond our own dimension. The only way to get there, they explained, was to take the ride on the miniature train that sat beside them. As celebration of the grand opening of McDonaldland, they were going to share its glory with the world. The crowd went wild.

With that the two full grown men crammed themselves into the train and disappeared into the dark tunnel. They reappeared on mouinted television screens as cameras bolted to the train captured all of the rolling landscapes and enthusiastic cries from Ronald and Ray. The guided tour continued until Ronald and Ray traveled the whole of McDonaldland. At long last, the train came full circle and dropped the men off back at the start of the track. "And that's what we have created and will be bringing home to children during their favorite tv shows. Thank you for coming out. You don't have to go home but you can't stay here. "

A stunned silence swept over the crowd. The people began to whisper, reporters looked confused. A crowd swarmed the McDonaldland podium. "You aren't going to let anyone in?" asked a man up front. "Why would kids care about something they will never get to experience?" asked a confused women pushing a microphone in Ray's face. Flustered, Ray pushed his way back to the train, determined to ride back into McDonaldland and avoid confrontation. Ronald, in a now famous scene, looked back at the cameras, sweating through his lead based makeup. He a half laugh and cleared his throat.

"McDonaldland must remain as a figment in the mind's of the people. If they ever knew the real truth, all the magic would be gone... The truth is we can't allow anyone in because... because there is not enough space for you all! Because we worked too hard to just let it all go to hell. You people and your badgering... look what you did to Ray! You, just don't deserve it.. ya know. Its not for you." With that, Ronald jumped onto the passing train as it finished its full revolution. "It's not for you..." Ronald's voice echoed as his head and swarthy figure disappeared. A roar emerged from the crowd, reporters and journalists all running after his disappearing figure into the tunnel, only to be thwarted by armed guards...

In part two we examine what the reaction was to the media launch and what sparked the golden years of McDonaldland, the coked up 80s. And when I say coked up I mean the New Coke coked up.

Jesus Is The Reason For The Season

2010-01-10T18:15:00.000-08:00

This year, Jesus came through big time.

The numbers game

2009-11-17T23:08:00.000-08:00

Sometimes when I am lonely I play a little game called the numbers game. It can be fun with other people too, but I like to be lonely so it works for me. The way it works is you start with the phrase "the first time" and then add a situation. Next you add "the second time" and then progress the situation. The trick is to find out how many times it takes for something to happen before it becomes catastrophic, or you get bored.. which incidentally happens more often then not, because it is a stupid game I made up. Although, I suppose MAD magazine did it once or twice before. So don't blame me when you find out it sucks.

The first time someone wins the lottery its lucky. The second time the same person wins the lottery it is a miracle. The third time the same person wins the lottery they go to jail for fraud.

The first time your dog bites your cankles you tell him "no". The second time your dog bites your cankles you swat him with a rolled up newspaper. The third time your dog bites your cankles you take him to a dog trainer. The fourth time your dog bites your cankles you give him away to that jerk hole neighbor that lives down the street.

The first time your 10 year old son misspells his name you laugh. The second time your 10 year old son misspells his name you get a tutor. The third time your 10 year old son misspells his name you give him away to the jerk hole neighbor that lives down the street and he grows up to be a bitter blog writer... thanks Mom!

The first time you find a quarter on the ground you pick it up for good luck. The second time you find a quarter on the ground you buy a pack of Wriggles delicious doublemint gum. The third time you find a quarter on the ground you start to actively look for change on the ground. The fourth time you find a quarter on the ground you realize this is a good way to make money without work. The fifth time you find a quarter on the ground you drop it into your change cup next to the sign that says "Quit my job cause this is more lucrative, got any change?"

The first time aliens read your thoughts you find it fascinating. The second time aliens read your thoughts you feel mildly violated. The third time aliens read your thoughts you put tin foil on your head and hope for the best.

The first time you buy a Xbox 360 and it breaks down after the first month, you think buyer beware. The second time you buy a Xbox 360 and it breaks down after the first month, you crack it open and try to fix it yourself. The third time you buy a Xbox 360 and it breaks down after the first month, you write a strongly worded letter to Mr. Gates about the common mans plight and business ethics. The fourth time you buy a Xbox 360 and it breaks down after the first month, you become a pompous Mac and iPhone user that wears shirts that have shitty pro Apple slogans like "Bite the Apple experience the trip". or "My other car is a Mac".

The first time you overdraw from your checking account the bank charges you thirty bucks. The second time you overdraw from you checking account the back charges you thirty bucks and lowers your interest rate. The third time you overdraw from you checking account the bank charges you thirty bucks, lowers your interest rate, and takes your house. The fourth time you overdraw from you checking account the bank charges you thirty bucks, lowers your interest rate, takes your house, and garnishes your wages. There is no fifth time because the bank has won and taken all of your money.

The first time you get naked and run across a sports stadium your wife leaves you, you get fired from your job, and all of your friends think you are ass pimple scar. That's it. Just once. So please people, stop it.

The first time you look down a hose and water squirts you in the eye you are confused and inquisitive enough to want to look again. The second time you look down a hose and water squirts you in the eye you either put down the hose for fear it will happen again, or still not satisfied you have solved the mystery, look again. The third time you look down a hose and water squirts you in the eye you are one of the three stooges, or in a poorly written comedy movie or blog.

The first time you read a crappy blog and didn't roll your eyes and block the site, you should have. My suggestion is to just walked away. Its what I would have done if I hadn't written it.

Doubling up cause I have been a slacking asshole.

2009-11-13T03:48:00.000-08:00

You don't get much on the double post but I figured I would throw my one reader a bone.

Is it just me or does the color yellow really piss you off? Its so bright yet so hard to read when in textual form. What the hell is its problem? Plus douchebags always pick that color for their douchemobiles. You know what I mean, those fancy Mustangs all yellowed out, makes me want to puke yellow. I don't mind it so much on bees because its matched with black which looks pretty cool. But yellow alone or matched with any other color is just dumb as hell looking. I just can't stand it anymore. I am campaigning to Crayola to get rid of yellow from all its crayon lines. From the simple 8 pack all the way down to the swissarmy knife of crayon packs the beefy 64 pack with built in crayon sharpener.

BTW, who made up the crayon sharpener? Its a crayon! Aside from the stupid paper wrapper it is 100% crayon. You can just rub it on its side for a second to get a point. Or do like kids all across the world do and use the damn thing no matter if it has a point or not. I can just see the crayon head honcho thinking of the idea. "Kids these days are not going through there colored wax tools fast enough. We need a way for them to waste more crayon. I got it we will let them shave away perfectly good portions of the product so they will go to there respective parents and say "Mom, Dad, I widdled away all of my art supplies today, can you buy me more?" I bet it happened just like that too, verbatim. Bet me.

Books are really boring for people with no imagination like myself. I mean you not only have to read, which is a lot of work in the first place, but also picture every last detail yourself. Thats too much damn work for a lazy man like myself. I love watching things because they show you everything all at once. If the pens on a charters desk are red I can see that. I don't have to imagine they are one color only to find out later they are a completely different color later. "Richard reached for his red pen... ah shit I imagined them as blue now I have to re-imagine the whole scene." All that damn work for nothing. I don't know maybe its just me.

Ok I am done now. Go home and leave me alone for a while so I can think up some more annoying, and uninteresting things.

The GoodSpaceGuy Revolution

2009-11-13T02:24:00.001-08:00

Come one, come all. You too can be on the cusp of history for all of mankind. SpaceShip Earth is only the beginning. All we ask is that you cast your vote for The Master of Science, the captain of Spaceship Earth, and all around good-space-guy.

If you haven't heard, the great state of Washington had an extra interesting candidate on the ballot for the King County Executive (Seattle) this year. And yes, he ran under the name GoodSpaceGuy. His real name being Micheal Nelson, but feeling that there are far too many Micheal Nelsons already inhabiting SpaceShip Earth, he decided to change his name to GoodSpaceGuy to stand out. After reading some of his statements, I can assure you that standing out is something Mr. SpaceGuy doesn't have to worry about.

So just what does GoodSpaceGuy stand for? That's a very good question and it has a very good answer. Orbital Space Colonization, that's what. And he uses all caps to show just how important this cause is. It will help build a "Fantastic Future!", and "spread the life of Spaceship Earth out into our Solar System!" GoodSpaceGuy feels that we should already have orbital space colonies around the Moon and Mars, but have wasted our space bucks on useless things like exploring our solar system.

"Unfortunately, much of our space money has been wasted. It is as if our leaders have not been educated in orbital space colonization. The waste and destruction of taxpayers’ space property show a lack of understanding of space colonization." I can't make this shit up. Its like this guy just wants to be made fun of. Space money and space property? He talks like a bad 1950s science fiction writer. Also since when was it mandatory for our government officials to be "educated in orbital space colonization"? Now I for one actually think that space colonization is a very important milestone in human history. But I am also a realist and understand that the effort and money it requires to build and maintain a system of that size and complexity is unattainable at this point in human history. Even if NASA can build a pen that writes upside-down, sustainable space colonies for mass populations in free floating space outside of the Moon and Mars is a bit out of reach. And where the hell did he get Mars from? Why would we have a station above Mars? Do you know how long it takes to travel to Mars? Its like months if the planets are close. How does he think we can successfully build this station? Well the answer is simple really, it comes from his educational background in economics.

Yes economics is what he has been "formally" trained in. Minor in fact. Both his Masters and Bachelors degrees are minors in economics. Although on his web site it lists that he has a "*Master of Science, U. of Minnesota" I am assuming he means a Masters in Science. Then again he may just be proclaiming that he is a Master of Science, if you will. Science has nothing more to teach him. It is us that needs to catch up so we can help him achieve the dream of space colonization. But most importantly he is an amateur astronomer, so of course this all adds up to the qualification needed to determine that current leadership doesn't understand the problems of space colonization enough to be trusted to run the country. And of course he has overseas studies in Sweden and Germany. He wouldn't be a pretentious asshole if he didn't study aboard.

In the end though I can't hate on the guy too much. He would probably do the least amount of harm if he was elected. A guy like that is not a politician. He is not playing the game of politics. His job is not to get elected every few years, so he doesn't have the built in bullshit that real politicians have. He is not trying to figure out how to get away with as much as possible and still have you like him. That to me is honorable. Plus the guy is so out there that none of his initiatives would get passed thus making him very ineffective. And who knows, maybe he is the master of science he makes himself out to be, and could actually change things for the better. Doubtful but who knows. He is smart enough to know that spouting off on just space coloization will get him no where so he did adopt some hot-button policies. Mostly around his economics background.

Job safety nets and putting people to work "(including people with problems)". I am not really sure what he is talking about but he sure is passionate about it. When you hear him talk it almost seems like he has a plan to help the large unemployment numbers seen in this country today...almost. But then you read his "GoodSpaceGuy" name tag and you remember "oh yeah this guy has lost his mind." Its no wonder he didn't make it past the first round of run off voting. For all your GoodSpaceGuy needs check out his website (which someone hilarously pointed out is hosted at blogspot and he wouldn't even shell out the 10 bucks to buy a domain name, maybe he just wanted to show he is frugal) http://colonizespace.blogspot.com. Also try doing a Google search for GoodSpaceGuy. You are sure to find more awesome information about him.

Yeah that about sums it up

2009-10-09T20:25:00.001-07:00

I call this one untitled

2009-09-22T11:53:00.000-07:00

I don’t trust fat homeless people. Its like “what's your game?” They are either hording delicious fatty foods from their fellow homeless or they are just posers. Also if the homeless person doesn’t smell like poop then again don’t trust them. They are probably undercover cops or something. I know, I know, I shouldn’t pick on the homeless, but its cool my dad was homeless.

Apparently there is a new word that absolves a person from any and all homosexual tendencies. Its called nohomo and is used at the beginning or end of a sentence that makes you sound like a homo. I really don’t understand it tho. To me just saying the word nohomo makes you seem like you are in fact a homo. I mean if I were a gay man and was around a bunch of straight men and I didn’t want them to think I was gay I was say something along the lines of “..but I am not gay” which is exactly what nohomo means. Plus when they hell do you use something like that. I don’t know about you but I don’t say many things in a day that can be construed as homosexual. Does it work if you say something like “nohomo, but I want to fuck that guys ass.” or “I am gay... Nohomo”. Here’s an idea don’t say gay things. Also does it work the other way around. Can gay people use it to indicate homo. “I love pink shirts, homo” or “I think I may be bisexual, somehomo”.

You can't force genius, you will get end up getting hemroids.

2009-08-13T00:10:00.001-07:00

I will dump my mind garbage when I am damn well ready. Which incidentally is right now so... lucky us.

If I had enough money I would buy a sidekick. Just someone to hang out with me and when shit goes down they got my back. I think I would make them wear a cape. That way they know I am boss, but also because.. you know since I am ponying up the cash for it then I want them to look professional. I think it would be a good long term investment. And maybe in the end you get a friend too. Someone to just go and eat tacos with. How can you put a price on that?

Some things are better when they are warm. Tacos, chicken soup, days, and brownies to name a few things. Other things are decisively not better warm. Ice cream, milk, tacos, and a pile of poop you stepped in. So as you can see temperature is very important and you should always think though all of the possibilities when making a decision. Or I just wanted to write something that mentioned warm poop.

To say that nobody likes something is pretty harsh. "Nobody likes pimentos.. or Jason." To me that's the roof of cruel. How can you top saying that not a single thing in existence finds something appealing. I am sure its a gross exaggeration. I can't imagine anything that at least one person doesn't like. There are plenty of people to this day that like Hitler. And I bet you could find more then one person who likes getting kicked in the balls or face area, eating gross things like tacos, inducing vomiting, licking door handles, shouting at trees, and all sorts watermelon related tragedies. So I understand that it is used to give weight to the statement... and when you apply the theory of relativity, its very possible to have all the members of a group not like something. Alright so it's just me then. I'm the asshole. Well I guess its really nothing new.

I fucking hate it when people think they are funny just because they string together a list of nonsensical blurbs. That just really pisses the shit out of me. It just really chaps the shit out of my ass. If I had a goat it would have been gotten and chopped up into little goat steaks that I ate last night. That's how pissed off I am about it. I mean it's like what the fuck dude? Got anything better to do with you're shitty life? I guess not. Oh I can take random word A and stick it at the end of random word B, oh look at me I am sooo funny. That was typed in a sarcastic tone by the way. It's just that I have had it way beyond the top of my had it level with people like that. They just harp on and on about the same shit over and over again with long run on sentences that end with lists of dumb things like "he's growin' rice crispy treats", or "that's not where that goes", and "tacos are fun to eat". It's just utter bullshit. Hey wait a second... I just thought of someone this sounds like. In fact... it sounds just like Me *cough*cough*hack* ahem... ah.. oh excuse me I had a cough there. I meant to say it sounds like Milosh. You know Micheal Milosh. That Canadian electronic music guy. He did that one song that was like "do daa daa You make me feel de do da da." No? Well anyway, what was I talking about again?

Bloglits, blogbits, blogets whatever you call them they still suck

2009-07-17T01:11:00.000-07:00

How the hell are high school cheerleader car washes legal? There must have been some PTA meeting years ago where they needed a way to come up with funds. "We need a fundraiser!" one says. "Yes some kind of system where we can raise funds for the school." shouts another from the back of the room. "How about we have the nice young girls sell sex to local passerbyers . Maybe they could get all wet and soapy too. Like a car wash or something." says the man sitting up front, who doesn't even have a kid going to the school. "Yeah", "Um hm", "I agree" says everyone in the crowd for no other reason then they are stupid and just want to think they are helping things. Well, turns out you can make a shit load of money selling young sex on the side of the road, so of course schools all over had to adopt the policy. Now if you have some of the cheerleaders moms do a car wash, then you might have a legal product that still could pull good money. Oh and yes I know the boys also whore their goods on the curbs to make sure they can pay for the football equipment because the schools don't have enough money or blow it on shit like books. Its just wrong on any level is what I am saying.

"I have never died in my entire life" be the most accurate statement that applies to everyone on earth. If you handed out a questionnaire to everyone in the world right now and one of those questions was that statement, I bet it would be the most true responses by a good percentage. I know there are the few near death experience people that claim that have come back after a few hours. And there is the zombie claims where they were given a potion that made people think they were dead and buried you alive only so that you have to dig your way out and eat the brains of the witchdoctor that zombified you. All in all though these are very small numbers comparatively. Even something common like "I have fingernails" is less likely to be true. When you really think about it, I mean really think about it. Its like the greatest phrase ever uttered.

Except of course for the phrase "Get away from me with that!" This phrase although at first seem harmless enough actually is quite complex. There is a lot left up to the imagination. It seems to suggest that the person saying the command actually enjoys the company of the person being directed, but must shun them because of some object they possess. Again the imagination goes wild thinking of what might make someone detest a fellow human being so much. It could be a piece of poop. Or maybe it is a bomb ready to explode. It could also be a situation where the object is a symbol, like that damn Maltese cross your ex biker girlfriend left at your house and a friend finds it and then like an asshole asks what it is. So you see it can be very funny and very sad in different contexts making it complex and engaging. Unlike the phrase "Get away from me, you are a crazy person!" where it can be funny and sad at the same time but not very fun.

Breakfast burritos are a stupid idea. Why not have breakfast tacos or breakfast chicken nuggets? I'll tell you why. Because they are stupid and somehow this one slipped through. The FDA needs to crack down on this shit better. All it takes is a few curious stupid people to try them and then we are all subjected to them for eternity. Why do we need to mess with breakfast? It already has an all star line up. Who doesn''t love pancakes. Cereal is the most versatile and easy food item ever invented. If it came in steak flavor then breakfast would overtake all meals and we would all live off human chow brand cereal all the time. So please no need for breakfast burritos.

Star gazing in fun... for about 10 minutes. At first is amazing. The spectacle of the cosmos shows just how insignificant we really are. But then its like, do something already. I have seen this enough now. Blowup or dance around, 'cause I need more entertainment. This sitting here sparkling thing gets old real quick. So then I go inside and watch movies about space wars and feel better.

Bemute, as it turns out, is a word that means to drop poop on someone from a great height. Why the hell do we need a word to describe such a situation. Does this happen often? Of course for birds and such but when else would you have poop dropped on you? Plus the extra qualifier of "great" height. It makes you wonder what kind of experiments people do. Then when explaining said experiments realized they needed a new word to accurately depict the situation.

Below is a dramatization of the creation of bemute it may not have happened:

"I think we are going to need a word for pooping on someone from high in the air." "Hmm how about air-pooping." "No that's dumb, how about elication" "Why do we even need a word? Why can't we just say I got pooped on from a great height? I mean, we won't be saying it that often will we?" "Lets just call it bemute." "Alright that's good."

And then there's this. I call it awesome because well lets face it. It is.

Forgotten... and with good reason.

2009-07-10T00:11:00.000-07:00

Two years ago I was doing a press junket for a shitty film that did poorly. A small film company that had too much marketing money and not enough talent adapted a story of mine. I helped with the screen play and worked with some of the actors to get their characters right. That part was actually pretty great. But like I said they had waaaay too much money to spend on promoting the film and lined up a full docket. A full docket that included me. Usually I am asked to be removed from junket lists but for some reason they wanted me to help sell the damn thing. I had already done a few junkets before and I never really liked them. This one though was especially long and stupid. As the junket progressed so did the severity of my pissed offedness.

My manager, being the awesome guy that he is, decided to surprise me the day before my last interview. "You should buy some new clothes for tomorrow's big interview." He said to me right as I walked into his office. "What? The Lunch show with Mark Dubis? But its radio. You can't see clothing through a radio." As soon as I said that his face lite up and he slapped his hands together. "Ha ha, funny." he said smiling ear to ear. "Then what the fuck? Did you hold out on me? Don't tell me I have more after the god damned lunch show!" "Don't worry, I saved the best for last." He then picked up a letter off his desk and handed it to me. "Last Call with Carson Daly? Really? Are you fuckin with me?" "Heh, I knew you would like it." "I fucking hate it." I furiously crumpled up the letter. "What possessed you to do such a thing?" And threw it at his desk knocking over a styrofoam cup of coffee. "Shit! My papers... What the hell man I thought you would love this. Its the crown jewel of the junket." He tried to dry off the papers on his desk the best he could. "Dammit now I have to reprint this. Look this is national TV. This is big for you and the film." "Fuck the film. I wont do it and that's all there is to it."

I showed up at stage 9 a little later then I should have. The Lunch show was running late and had to push back my interview. I was not in a good mood but figured after this is over then its done. I got into the green room only to find that it smelled of old farts and doughnuts, but all the doughnuts were all gone. I could see a short man in the corner eating what I assumed to be the last doughnut and reading the paper. I wanted to kick the thing out of his hand and say "Now neither of us can have it." But I refrained and sat next to the big nosed sound tech. Just as I was starting to relax, the makeup person came in to yell at me. "Where have you been? We needed you in makeup 15 minutes ago! Meh-meh meh-meh-meh..." Then she pulled me up by my arm and took me away to the chair. Once seated and being worked on the stage director came over to try to make sure I wasn't going to ruin the show. "So you feeling alright tonight? Do you need anything coffee, water" She asked in her nicest voice. "A doughnut would be nice." I said with a bit of an attitude. "Yes well you are on in a little bit so I don't want you to mess up your clothes or get food stuck in your teeth." "Yeah yeah, that's fine, lets just do this." I then got up from the chair while the makeup artist was still working. I pulled off the paper makeup bib and walked back to the green room.

A few minutes later they came and got me so I could go stand behind the fake wooden wall and wait to be introduced. As I waited two people checked my appearance and made small talk. I looked at the man with the link roller and said "You ready to see TV history?" He just laughed and said "I'll send you a transcript." About a week ago it arrived. Lint roller come though. He said he was able to kype it before all evidence of this interview was destroyed. Good thing he did. I had forgotten just how awesome it actually was. Below is the mildly edited record of that interview.

CARSON: Thank you, welcome back. Our next guest is the writer of the upcoming film --- in theaters --- please welcome UncleMacabee. (Applause.)

(Carson and Macabee shake hands and sit down.)

CARSON: Uncle Macabee. I hate to say this but I have honestly never read any of your work. Is this your first book or?

UNCLE: Ahh no. (Laughter.) No actually I have done many. This isn't

CARSON : Don't laugh that's not very nice.

UNCLE: This isn't even my first movie.

CARSON: Really? What else have you done?

UNCLE: Well porn mostly. (Laughter.)

CARSON: Right, yeah I knew your work was familiar. (Laughter.)

UNCLE: I didn't do gay porn so I don't know how you know my work.

CARSON: So what is this movie about. What should I expect to see?

UNCLE: Its about Nazi snowmen that think talk show hosts ask stupid questions. And are gay.

CARSON: Alright enough with the gay stuff.

UNCLE: Is that what your mom said?

CARSON: Who are you? Is this a joke or something?

UNCLE: The only joke here is your career. This show sucks and I hope you all go to hell. (Gasps.)

CARSON: This is over. Can we set up the next

UNCLE: This ain't over motherfucker.

(Macabee stands up and knocks over Daly's water mug.)

CARSON: Oh what the fuck you want to fight me now? (Carson stands up)

-At this point the audience was confused as hell. I knew I was getting in too deep so decided to go all out.

(Macabee throws a punch at Daly hitting him in the arm. Daly grabs Macabee by the shirt)

CARSON: You fucked up now. You fucked up

UNCLE: Your mom's a whore Your mom's a

CARSON: Shut Up!

(Daly throws a punch at Macabee hitting him in the eye.)

UNCLE: Shit!

After this point the transcript stops, but there was a little more after that. The stage crew made their way to us and tried to pull us apart but we had a good hold on each other. I tried to bite Carson's index finger but he pulled it away and lost his grip on me. As he was pulled away from me I spit at him and hit his left shoulder. The stage crew tackled me to the ground. They sat on me while I screamed bloody murder until security showed up. As I was escorted out I winked at lint roller. Big nose told me to never come back like he made the rules or something. The crowd was booing me and I was yelling back at them to shut up. I was manhandled all the way to my car and was told to never come back to NBC studios again. I got in my car and said "Nice working with you dick weeds." Then I drove back my manager's office. By the time I got there he had already gotten the call and was so mad his face was red. "You fucking did that on purpose! Why did you pick a fight with him?" "He started it!" I said knowing full well that it was all my fault. "Great now we wont get the big interview and the movie loses it national coverage." He said spitting all over me. "Well don't blame me cause the studio made a mistake" I said smugly. "You know this will never been seen or heard by anyone." I figured he was right, until I got that package today. Big up to the lint roller for keeping the hope alive.

The Fart Can

2009-07-07T00:15:00.000-07:00

When I was a kid I had a friend who would always fart in a can. Even if we wasn't close to it, he would make sure to find it so he could fart directly into it. Sometimes having to clench his butt cheeks to make it. He put a lot of effort into making sure his farts were in that can. He obsessed over it. Then when the can was full to his liking he would pretend it was a present or something and trick an innocent person into smelling it. As you can imagine it only works on acquaintances once so strangers were targeted frequently.

I remember the first time I he got me with it. It was a horrific experience that I wish I could unlive. As I remember I was playing in the front yard when his family pulled into the driveway of the house for rent down the street. I remember because I thought "Oh what fun another child to play with". Little did I know that he already had a can brewing and ready for any willing victim to fall prey to his offering. Within 15 minutes of meeting this kid he unpacks an old beat up Maxwell House Premium Blend coffee can and says "Hey, I brought a cool gift for the first friend I meet. And so far you are it". "What is it?" I asked, curious and a little flattered. "Oh you will like it, its reeeally cool!" He says trying his best not to die laughing at the thought of me smelling his ass can. But he was a pro. He had done this many times before. And looking back I never saw it coming.

So I took the can and shook it. "Ha, there's nothing in here!" I said cracking a smile. "Oh don't worry there is." Said the boy with a shit eating grin on his face. "Go ahead, take a look" and he gestured a motion to open the can. So I did as his gesture implied and pulled the seal open. Now I have never smelled a dead persons ass before, but I bet it would smell much like the inside of this can did. The first reaction was to close my eyes because they burned and jerked my head away from the can. Thinking I hadn't actually gotten my gift yet I peered in slowly. From the smell I was expecting a dead animal to be stuck to the side or shit to be smeared all around. I didn't see anything right away so I moved my head closer and closer. The kid was laughing pretty good at this point and as the situation started to sink in, the second wave hit me.

In the movie Backdraft a firefighter is blown back a measurable distance after busting in a burning door. The previews had been playing for that movie a lot at that time. As the second wave took hold of me I imaged I was that man. I immediately dropped the can and leaped backwards clutching my face. I landed on the ground a few feet from where I took off. I was momentarily stunned and glanced up at my new friend to see him falling over himself with laughter. As I picked myself up I could hear him saying "I am going to shit my pants". I stood tall and looked right at him. I didn't know what to do. I thought about trying to kick his ass but with his laughter fit it seemed unsportsmen like. Then the smell popped back into my memory and my eyes filled with tears. I yelled "Its Not funny! Its NOT Funny!! I HATE You!" and ran home crying.

I later found common ground with Ninja Turtles and we soon become friends. Well childhood friends at any rate. The kind that you play with cause you are bored but drop the second something better comes along. I watched him fart in that can and trick people into smelling it so many times its got to be some kind of a record. I too found it extremely funny when it happened to other people, and eventually was able to laugh about my own experience as well. I even add a few farts to the can to make the game more engrossing.

I asked him once why he did it. He looked at me for a moment and said "You mean other then it being really funny?" "Well sure, but I mean its a lot of work to keep up with. After a while doesn't the labor out weight the funniness" I seemed to hit a cord with that because he got serious and explained. "My dad always said to find the thing you are best at and do it to the best you can. And well, this is all I have ever been good at really. So I try to make it the best it can be." At the time I didn't realize how deep that was. But as I grew older I remembered that kid and his dad message. Do best what you are best at. So simple and yet so elegant. He is why I am the successful writer I am today. I have national best sellers and major motion picture deals built off of one man and his can. But he was kinda a freak, and he smelled bad too. In fact the more I think about it I hated that guy. Wait this can't be right. I obsessed over a can farting nut scented crazy person. Holy shit what a fuck up I am. No wonder everyone hates me.

The End?

Fourth of July is cool

2009-07-04T13:46:00.000-07:00

Alright to celebrate the fact that it is summer and school is out, I have a little math problem to keep your skills sharp. I sat outside and overheard a small child chanting "butterscotch monster" at an interval of 2 seconds between each instance over a length of 5 minutes. With accounting for dampening the chants slowed to 30 seconds between interval at the end of the 5 minutes. So the question is what the fuck is a butterscotch monster?

The chant made me wonder what the child must have been so excited about. An actual monster made of butterscotch, although funny, is too scary for a child to request. While it could be in action figure or TV-related form, it still doesn't fit. The 4th of July is an eating holiday so I figured it must be some marketing term. Some ice cream flavor with a cartoon butterscotch monster holding a child in his oversize butterscotch hand with a big "I love kids" grin on his face.

That has to be it. But still, why have I never heard of this treat? I consider myself a consumer of such items and indeed this couldn't have it pass my hungry maw. It certainly sounds delicious by the name alone.

This also had one of the highest recommendations from a child you can get. Children don't know much, but they know candied things. The act of chanting the product's name for 5 minutes, disregarding the risk of being grounded or worse, not getting butterscotch monster, is all too great of applause. No, I thought, this butterscotch monster must be amazing, and I must have some for the holiday, just like this child.

So I did a Google search. Turns out the kid probably was not talking about a food item but more likely was a video game. The original assessment was correct. The child was referring to an actual butterscotch monster. My imagination ran away with itself and dreamt up an orgasmic dessert that shall never be. Also my picture of the inviting child-loving monster was dashed when I saw a picture of the "real" butterscotch monster. It was not so pretty. So if you do have a delicious butterscotch monster treat in your near by towns or residences please send them to me. I will present it to the child and verify that butterscotch monster is not some awesome hidden food item. I will also take pictures of the event so you can verify that the child is not yourself and the only person in the world that knows what the fuck a butter scotch monster is.

Con grad u lations! I have a blog! You're welcome world!

2009-07-03T12:08:00.000-07:00

So this is my real first post. The rest are all just rehashes of some of my best posts. A worst of the best if you will...er wait. Switch that or something, so it makes more sense. Ah but yes you are correct it never makes any sense when it comes to my writing. Its a mess. Which brings me to my next point. The rehash posts, you may notice, are better. I have a smart person fixing them for me. I probably don't deserve it but what are you gonna do. So say hi and thanks to my beautiful assistant. No need to be concerned about getting too close to her, like you do with me. Unlike me, she is normal and will not try to bite your arm or anything stupid like I would.

So here it is. Enjoy it cause its all you get for now. Soon enough I will rule the world and control all of your pathetic lives, but not just yet. My pollution machine is not quite done. Yes I said pollution machine. Its kinda like something you could see on Captain Planet, you know a machine that cuts down rain forests and dumps medical waste into the oceans to produce a single toothpick. But I have said too much already. So I bid you farewell for now. Stay on your toes and check back often and I just might not stalk you... to death. Your choice bra.

Chupa Chups Ain't Got Shit On Dum Dums

2009-07-02T10:00:00.000-07:00

But everybody knows Blow Pop blows them all out of the water. Alright fine! or Toosie Pop. But its the same thing. Just replace the fudgie goodness with some pink chewy lovin' then presto change-o, Blow Pop.

But I digress. Did you ever notice how people use everyday life situations that are often over looked because of the regularity of the situation for comedic prose and usually start it off with something like "did you ever notice?" I did. I think Jerry Seinfeld did one of those kind of jokes one time. Maybe not. I don't remember. Ha hey remember that one episode when Kramer was dodging the cable guy. That one was pretty good. Ahmm... so ah.. how you been? Me? Ah, well I have been 'ight. Its just that... just that.

Did you ever notice driving is the scariest concept ever invented. One day some guy was like;

"Ok, so I got an idea. What if we took a whole bunch of metal? Like a whole bunch. Like tons!... Then we can get some glass, 'cause you gotta have glass. You know for shrapnel and slicing. And lets see... uhm we can fill it with some extremely flammable material and make the engine combustible so that it can explode. You need explosions. Look at what it did for Jerry Bruckheimer I mean he won an Oscar for Pearl Harbor. Granted it was for sound but they were nominated for visual effects. Then we can put it on wheels as to endanger other peoples lives as well. Its always nice to share my moms always told me. With wheels we can send it whizzing up to 75 mph and beyond. Best of all we can put humans, the most error prone variable factor in any equation, in charge of keeping it under control. We can give them a wheel on a thick column in order to bludgeon them upon impact. That would be what I would create." Would you then say "For sure Roofus. Where can I sign up to be the first to challenge death to a game of pin the tail on the donkey? Winner takes all." I sure wouldn't.

But I wouldn't have even wasted my time reading all this garbage anyway so I guess you have a little more interest in shitty stuff then I. Welp looks like I gots to be maken my egress. You all stay classy and don't forget I am the one and only Vinz Clortho and if you see Zuul tell her, your key master is on the way. Gozer will come again.

I Think The Pompadour Hair Style Is A Very Fashionable Look Still

2009-07-02T08:07:00.000-07:00

Important Read First:

In the context of the below web log the word cheese shall apply to only cheeses of "Fine" and "Well Aged" category. "Processed" shall not be acceptable as consideration because of the basterdization of the cheese making process.

So, I have been thinking lately and I think I don't appreciate the attitude of cheese. It's got to be the most self-important of all the dairy products. I mean dairy as a whole is a pretty arrogant food group, but cheese is the swaggerest by far.

Case in point, I saw cheese just the other day making fun of milk cause he only comes in three flavors. Chocolate, strawberry, and milk flavor of course. Where as cheese is able to mingle with everything from jalapeno to head. Impressive yes, but what kind of dick weed says stuff like that?

I think cheese gets it from the hoity-toity crowd he is mixed up in. Wine and French Bread. These two, man what a bunch. You get those three around a fondu pot and watch the fuck out. I saw it one time, it was horrible. First they all ganged up on the cream and cottage cheese calling them "mutant half breed", and "the Roger Clinton of the cheese family". I was appalled at the audacity. Then I thought for sure cheese was going to get into fisticuffs with yogurt for trying to stick up for himself. As yogurt curdled up to take the beating, cool headed ice cream was able to step in and break that shit up. Not until the butter stepped up and put him in place by saying "none of us would even be possible if not for milk you ass holish cock sucker" did cheese quiet down. The three just congregated in the corner, sneering at the others and mumbling things to one another, deliberately laughing and pointing every once and a while. It was absolutely disgusting.

And that ladies and gentlemen is why I hate the French.... oh uh, well what I meant to say was that is why I think the pompadour is still fashionable.

I Bet If I Had A Meat Helmet I Could Do It

2009-07-02T08:05:00.000-07:00

So this is it huh? This is what life is.

Man I feel ripped off. Excuse me Jebus but I need to speak with your manager. I am very displeased with this piece of shit product you try to pass off as a miracle.

So what are you going to do for me huh? I am a very unhappy customer. I use your stuff all the time.

Hmmm.. ah. Ok. So the alternative is no life you say? Well what does something like that look like? Do you have a floor model or something I can take a look at? So you're telling me the only way to know is to die. Oh and there's no coming back either huh? Well let me see. That's a tough one for sure.

Can I take 360? No?... how about my blowup dolls? Oh, I can't bring anything. Hmmm. OK I don't think I'll return this just yet… But I want some store credit. What do you mean you have to take an appendage? All right fine! You win. I'll just go back home and wait to die. Gee this is some operation you got running here. Can't even help a young nucka out. Yeah real funny I'll see you again too. But you better not hope I come back and go all postal up in here. And telling me you're scared and shaking in your boots is real mature… real mature. See I can do sarcasm too.

People, Please, When You Speak Of This, And You Will, Call It A Weblog

2009-07-01T09:47:00.000-07:00

So... I'm sittin here thinking of something to write. Right? Annnda... then it hits me. I should definitely tell you guys about the time I found this... ahh, hmmm.

Actually now that I think of it, that story is completely inappropriate for the Internet. And the Internet is not a place for things of that nature. I mean shit dude, kids surf it all the time. It's the cool thing to do when you're a kid. They say to each other "hey, lets go surf the net". Then then you have peer pressure, that's a whole nuther* can of worms. All I am saying is we don't need assholes like me talkin' bout crazy ass shit with kids around.

So I should talk about something child safe, so that they don't grow up weird and mess up like I did. Like this other time when I found this sharp ass stick and then for no reason just started stabbing my friend in the... ahhh oops. I am truly sorry. That was actually the same story as before and, as I said, not an area I should explore. I am really fucking sorry guys. I mean... I try to do good for you. Here I'll make it up to you all. Especially you little Billy... with the blond hair and the sad eyes 'cause of my stories. I got a good one for you.

There once was a time in my life when I found this sharp ass stick, right? And then, for no reason mind you, started to stab my friend in the ear really really hard. He fell on the ground cryin' and shit. And I was like.. what dude? You had it comin'. You should have known that if I found a sharp ass stick some time your ear was gettin stabbed...

Oh Shit there I fucking go again... Oh shit I just said fucking... I got to go.

*colloquial version of other